Admittedly, I could have done the same thing, even earlier. I wanted to transfer for 2 different reasons, and those reasons transcend both personally and professionally.
I don't want to leave my team. I mean, I've come to love the team and don' want to leave them just like that, however, it's another thing to be left out again, I don't like that feeling. Call me selfish, call me whatever you want, it's going to kill inside me once more. This is a different topic altogether.
It's a good thing that I have this blog for me to let it out. I know that someone would actually read this but I trust him/her on not letting this piece out in the open. Twitter and Facebook aren't really a good venue nowadays to let all these things out, I guess not all people really do care.
Professionally, I don't really like how it is being handled. Yes, I am glad that it's not only me who feel the same way. I don't want to elaborate on that.
Personally, I feel that I am not going to be myself anymore. I am falling into this trap that I can't function as what I should do unlike before, in other words, I am not my usual self. I guess, if I would want to forget everything and move on, either I move out or you move out. I don't want to, it would hurt a lot, but I guess that's how it works. You have to take this hammer and pound it on to yourself, harder, just to feel it, and become numb.
I am hurting, and crying myself to sleep.
I'm trying my best to fake it, and wear that smile, but I guess, it's not enough. I can't just stand the fact that it's a hopeless place, and that I have to let it go. I am trying my best to live a normal life again, but I was never the same after that trip. I don't know.
It's the end of February, and I hope that after waking up from sleep by tomorrow, everything would be back to normal, everything would just fade away, just like that.
It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny, but I gotta let it go.
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