Go Let It Out

It's 5:00pm in the afternoon. The sun has refused to show up again. People were with their rain gears and seemed to be walking too fast while I was on my way home. I did not bother to bring a rain gear cause I thought the sky's blue when I went out earlier and sky was finished crying his heart out for the past few days.

I was wrong. Just like what I am feeling right now. It was certainly a blast spending a week with some of my former agents in Coron, Palawan. It was a first going there via plane. It would have been better if we were complete. Nonetheless, it was an awesome experience. Yet I guess, nothing's forever.

I'm alone with my laptop, my phone, and an iced tea which I have not touched yet. Closed windows, and closed door. You can hear the sound of the fan and the sound of the keyboard while I am typing this,  and those are the only noise that you can hear, otherwise, it's going to be silence all through out this time. It's been a crazy series of events since last night.

Ironically, after a trip full of joy and happiness, I ended up crying myself to sleep after going home.

Another life-changing indeed.

I did not have any plan of telling this to ANYONE. I thought one person is enough and I could die with it. It's a very awkward situation among us. I am not sure if they feel it but I feel it. Honestly, I don't know where to position myself every time I am with them now.

It's a very uncomfortable and awkward feeling.  Paranoia? I guess. I don't know.

I decided to just let it out. I filled in one of them. If I am being honest, I am still not sure if I did the right thing.
It ended up as a good conversation. While it's true, she seemed to be trustworthy and could keep a secret, it's still making me think if I really made the decision to let her in.

See, I am not good in making pivotal decisions. I already had one in my life that until now, I regret making that decision, and the last thing I need now is another stone to hit my head.

This dilemma doesn't stop there. I still have to confront a bigger opposition. I am not sure that's the right word to use, I am already running out of one at this point. My head's spinning around and this is all the outlet that I could think of.

I learned another development.

I remember just this week. one of my reps uttered "Ako na lang ang parating iniiwan"; and I thought, could this be another case of the same thing?

I left my previous program for two reasons, and that one is because I don't want to be left out by people I've learned to love and get attached with. It was one of those that triggers me to leave. Yet, this is happening.

I do not have any control of what's going through their mind, what they want, and what they need to do. Quite frankly, I have accepted, that eventually, they're all going to go, and I will be left behind. Unless, I'll leave first, I will be left behind again.

It's a dagger in the heart.

Worst, the only person that means the whole world to you will also leave you in the process. How do you deal with saying goodbye forever, when all you want is to be with the person you love the most?

I can't even find the words how to describe it. I am just thinking it right now, and it already hurts. I can't see myself looking at my angel waving goodbye to me.

My tears are slowly flowing down my cheeks.

I guess, this is just a start of a melodramatic week ahead.

I am not sure how can I stand on everything that has happened, what's going on right now, and what is going to happen in the future.

At the end of the day, one thing's for sure, my life's nothing with you angel, you mean the whole world to me, and I love you so much, that I can't see myself with you in my life. :(

Till next blog folks, I hope the next one will be something positive.