Rekindling The Fire of the Past

Last week, I had the chance to go to back to my province after several years. I was scared. I was anxious. I was nervous. I did not know what to feel. Quite frankly, I had mixed emotions when the idea of going back to my province and meeting my relatives again after what happened in my life was scary. I thought of not entertaining the idea of meeting them and hearing all those comments. It would be awful.

However, part of me wants to take this chance to start building the bridge again. Something that I closed down when I decided to myself that I won't be back until I am proud of myself.

They were all witnesses to all of my wrong decisions before, all of those were MAJOR that up until now I've all been thinking for. Those decisions that cost us A LOT.

Well, I am writing this not talk about the trip. I am writing this because I've been feeling alone and sad all o\my life, especially now that I AM LITERALLY ALONE.

My sister has her own family now and she's been living with her husband and kid now. When I saw her, her happiness was definitely noticeable. I envy her. How in the world am I living miserable alone? I was crying inside. I felt the emptiness starting to eat my soul. I felt so alone even if I was surrounded by my relatives.
However, I thought, for sometime, I thought I could say I was not alone. I still have my relatives. My aunt, grandmom, and my cousins were all there, they were all living a simple life but they are complete. They all have each other. I was kind of glad when they said that we could go back there for a vacation anytime of the day. This is something that I am looking forward, I thought I won't be just staying at home inside my room until the clock strikes 12mn during christmas and new year.

I am back here in Manila and I am already missing the province and my relatives.

I am writing this because I am feeling lonely. I am sad. I miss them. I miss a "company"; I miss having a family.
I wish I could find my own family.